Setting Boundaries: On Being Unfuc*withable
Many years ago I encountered a boundary issue with a friend. The experience was upsetting to both of us and while it did not permanently damage our friendship, it was big enough that it got my attention.
Naturally, I blamed him for failing to recognize my boundaries and my response seemed disproportionate to the circumstances. We both felt betrayed.
After dissecting in my own mind what happened, and feeling righteously upset, it dawned on me that my sense of betrayal was one of self betrayal. I had failed to honor my own boundaries because I didn’t know what they were.
It was a revelation that left me euphoric because I knew the root of the problem lay with me and that to know and honor my boundaries was my responsibility, not anyone else’s.
I found a short length of barbed wire and kept it on my altar where I could see it everyday as a reminder, until one day I no longer needed a piece of barbed wire to remind me of my own boundaries.
Setting Emotional Boundaries
In my client work, the issue of boundaries is a recurring theme. Here I introduce the concept of being “unfuc*kwithable.”
To be unfuc*withable is to have the confidence and inner strength to know and respect your own boundaries; to know where you end and another person begins, what works and what doesn’t work. It’s the ability to say no when you mean no, and yes when you mean yes—wholeheartedly. It’s being secure enough in your sense of self-worth to not be attached to the opinions and judgments of others. To be unwilling to side with anyone’s misperceptions of you, including your own. Ultimately, it’s to know who you are and to look for the truth in any situation.
Unfu*kwithable is a state of being that allows you to approach life with a sense of security, grounded resilience, and unshakeable optimism—and you don’t have to be an a*shole about it.
That’s a tall order for any of us, but one we can aspire to.
Setting Boundaries in Relationships
Here are a few practical things to bear in mind on the way to being unfuc*withable:
- Be responsible and protect your energy, your time, and your space, both physical and psychic. No one can do this for you.
- Pay attention to the people and the activities that consume more time and energy than you have or are willing to give.
- Notice the energy of those who enter and leave your space and whether you want more or less of that energy around you.
- Be vigilant for anything that disturbs peace of mind, robs you of joy, and drains you of vital life force.
Protecting Your Psychic Space
Just as the physical space around you can be measured, your psychic space is a “field” that surrounds you. This space is composed your awareness, feelings, physical energy, and includes the presence of others.
The physical environment around you is filled with energy and you are at the center of it.
Be aware of what’s happening in your space and who’s in your field. Notice how their energy affects your energy. Does their presence bring you up or pull you down? Do you feel compelled to move toward them or away?
Pay attention to energy leaks and what drains you of energy. For example:
- Someone rambles on a Zoom call, you feel stuck, and see no way out short of getting off the call.
- A friend calls on the phone and unloads a story that you didn’t want to hear and who didn’t ask for your time to tell it.
- You interact with an acquaintance and a drama unfolds between you that you don’t what to be part of.
- A family member has a crisis who thinks it requires your attention “right now.”
- Conversations you feel obligated to have that you may not be obligated to have.
- You fill in the white space on your calendar with low priority things because you think it’s “free” time.
- You get “hooked” by gossip, complaining, and whining, and you feel frustrated.
Be aware and be firm, especially with yourself. Value yourself, your time and your energy. Do not hesitate to excuse yourself from situations that suck your energy, your life force.
Remember that you have no obligation to participate in anything that does not support your higher purpose, which means knowing what your higher purpose is. If you believe you don’t have a choice, maybe it’s time to reexamine your choices.
Your most precious resource is your life energy. Healthy boundaries help you to devote your time and energy to what matters most.
Your time is limited—it’s a finite resource—and you decide how to spend it.
Be unfuc*withable!
I like this! We forget about this and allow others to drain us. Excellent post.
Beautiful! So true, and so helpful! thank you!
This is definitely a roll call off qualities to aspire to. Thank you for speaking it into my heart and mind.
I learned a long time ago, it is my responsibility to have limits,& boundries. Remember you have space between you and your client, it is up to you to let them know about your (SPACE) and where they are welcome or where they not wecome. It’s a matter of self Love and respect for yourself. We should always feel comfotable about our actions. In order to stay in ballance we can say NO, without feeling guility,we are just in the flow of our being.
With Love & Blessings
Mike
I suspect we humans don’t come in with ‘dos and don’ts’ in an Instruction book because we need all the experiences that get us to the moment when we can apply the listed rules/lessons. How can I set limitations around some thing I don’t recognize or am aware of? Unless I own the property I am not free to build a fence around it and all that takes work.
Hi Eliane,
My apology for not responding. I haven’t checked my website comments in some time.
Your suspicions are correct! I didn’t receive an instruction manual either. Something fishy going on there…
It was only through the practice of journaling, deep listening, and study (A Course in Miracles, Abraham, Seth, and other channeled material) that I began to feel something equivalent to an instruction manual–inner guidance.
Are you talking about building an actual fence? By the way, I had a fence built in my backyard this year and it’s one of the best home improvements I’ve ever had done! Fences make great neighbors!
Create a sanctuary in your home and in your mind. Let nothing disturb your peace.
Love to you!
Tom
When I was a young mother and could see the flaws in our parenting styles and wanted better, I sought professional help. I found a wonderful therapist in CA…one of her many lessons I learned was, ” Cause & Effect.” My children’s behavior would mirror back to me what needed to work on & change.
I learned introspections without judgement, when trying to unraveled whatever negative experience transpired.
I learned to ask myself ” Is this about me or is it about them?” Prior to this I always thought it was about me which gave me & great anxiety.
What was my part in this experience?
Recognizing my body was giving me uncomfortable feelings during this experience, perhaps a warning.
Were my parents parenting style, culture and 60’s era shaping my reaction to the incident?
An example, I had to learn to have a voice, after all Hispanic girls don’t talk back or have opposing opinions growing up.
What was the lesson in it all?
At the age of 35 I started this journey looking for personal growth experiences even if it gave me a panic attack which sometime it did. The more I reached out of my comfort zone the less severe the attacks became. I tell my adult children as I am 65 & a community leader” Some leaders are born to lead & some leaders learn to lead.” My wish to be a better mother changed my life destiny.
Grateful,
Rose Ann